TODAY

Found this posted at work…

Today

 

I will live through the next twelve hours and try not to tackle all of life’s problems at once. I will improve my mind. I will learn something useful. I will learn something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will be agreeable. I will look my best, speak in a well-modulated voice, be courteous and considerate. I will not try to change anyone but myself. I will have a program. I might not follow it exactly, but I will have it. It will save myself from two enemies—hurry and indecision. I will do a good turn and keep it secret. If anyone finds out, it won’t count. I will do two things that I don’t want to do, just for the exercise. I will believe in myself. I will give my best to the world, and feel confident that the world will give it’s best to me.

Two Words

No and Bye… these are two words that in my work I hear children say the most. Interestingly enough it hit me that these words as adults become the hardest to say. You ever notice that?

Mercy Ministries

MERCY MINISTRIES…

want to know more about it? Check out www.mercyministries.com

 

This morning I heard one of my favorite quotes on the radio from a song by Natalie Grant called “Better Hands.” The quote goes like this: “You can’t be free if you don’t reach for help, you can’t love if you don’t love yourself.”

 

Those are some big, powerful words in such a small sentence. It is a very wise statement and sums up my journey towards the abundant life.

 

To me the quote reflects the mission of a healing program such as Mercy Ministries. When you walk into those doors you are reaching for help. At Mercy God’s love is revealed. And how can we love ourselves if we don’t know or accept God’s unconditional love?

 

I think deep down we all desire to love and be loved. But because most of us have our different pasts or present that alter our view or perception of what love is this process can be difficult and messy(imperfect). What makes it beautiful is when we let God transform us to be more like Him and love like Him.

 

[Back to Mercy Ministries]

 

To me this excerpt from a letter I receive monthly from the ministry is such a right on description of how God’s love transforms, redeems, restores, and sanctifies us:

 

“Before I had God in my life everything was black and white. The world was gloomy and dark. After entering into a relationship with God, my world was in color. I wasn’t color blind anymore. The world has color, and it is beautiful. There have been times when I slip and see only black and white again, but I remember that there is color and I can choose to see in color. We all have choices. I have to choose to make decisions that will help me see in color. I know what I need to do, and I have experienced that it will work. I just have to choose to do the work! Thank God for Mercy showing me the world in color.”

 

He is the artist that brings color to my life. How about you? How has God brought color to your life when you surrender the paint brush to Him?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Runaway Bride

One of my favorite movies. Thank the Lord I finally bought it at Target for an affordable price. Yay! $5.50 for a DVD. Many years ago I wrote what was on my heart about how that movie related to me being a picture of my heart. I am a runaway bride. Yes, not literally, but spiritually. Umm, I am not getting married so it can’t be literal. What I am trying to say is that I run from love. Part of it can be explained by my most recent blog. I have experienced deep abandonment wounds. As I was saying… the movie Runaway Bride, it inspired to write all these rambling in my journal like maybe 2 years ago. I hope you will enjoy these ramblings I am about to expose to the blog world. Originally these were ideas in my head you know if like I was giving a talk. This is me being vulnerable sharing them with you.

Movie: Runaway Bride

Are you running from your bridegroom? (Jesus)

Run TO Jesus! 

Remember building forts with sheets when you were younger?

So wouldn’t it be fun to have a get together slumber party and be a child again by building forts?

I thought it would be fun to do that and watch the movie Runway Bride while hanging out in the forts with soda and popcorn.

There would be a correlation: God is our stronghold, fortress. David in the bible ran to God his stronghold when Saul was chasing after him. David was a man after God’s heart.

So you see I tend to run from Jesus (Runaway Bride) instead of running towards His love and protection. (Stronghold)

Job in the bible- God lets Satan take away everything from him. Job still praises God. Would you? Do you have grip marks from holding on to an idol? What is your idol, your security?

Say a model her face is burned in an accident

or a dentist arm is taken away in a car crash

a couple moving away to ministry and the young lady finds out her mom has terminal cancer

your best friend, your husband, leaves you for another woman…

these are all fiery arrows in your heart. you are left wounded, with an empty space in your heart. do you still praise God?

idol= “no God, not that, take anything, but not that God… not that.”

How do you react with this empty space in your heart? fill it by your own means? Run and hide from God?

aka Runaway Bride

or put up walls, harden your heart?

aka worldy strongholds

Heart of the matter

Christianity is a love affair of the heart- Sacred Romance

Imagine a dating game, you will most likely see three girls:

1. Girl who loves Jesus with religiosity/ministry

2. Girl who is too afraid to love, her heart is hardened

3. Girl who loves Jesus boldly with an authentic, deep love.

In the movie Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, there is a scene where a young girl’s father is getting remarried. He stops the wedding to get his daughter from the crowd and bring her to the front to be in the wedding. She is feeling shame and not wanting to go up there in the jeans she is wearing. Her father does not care about that. He knows he loves her and wants her to be at his side.

This is how our heavenly father thinks about us.

He loves us as we are.

How do we love Him? Who are we giving our heart to? God is calling out to you! How will you resond?

In the movie Patch Adams there are 3 type of examples of responders to love:

1. A + med student (love by works)

2. Girl (hardened heart- runs from love)

3. Patch (bold, authentic, deep love)

Are you a runaway bride? Are you running from Jesus your bridegroom?

Now is the time to run to Him! for he is your shelter, protection, fortress, and stronghold. David ran to God when his enemy was chasing after him. No matter what God promises to always be waiting for you. You, like David, have a stronghold to run to. I pray you run into His loving arms.

Oh and if there was really a dating game with Jesus, it would not end with him choosing just one. He would choose all. You would be chosen no matter how you love. Because you are special to him. You are loved like you are the only person on earth. So how does one respond to that kind of love? Be still and accept it. No matter if you are single, dating, or happily married, you have a lover of your soul and He is passionately pursuing you. Fail big and He still loves you. He will never leave you. His love is unconditional.  He wants all your heart, mind, and soul. Will you give it to Him? He says come as you are. You don’t have to fix yourself up for Him. Just fix your eyes on Him.

Back to Patch Adams- in the end the girl died, but she truly lived before she dies, fully lived because she stopped running from love. The young girl even accepted and trusted love. And the bible says Jesus, our bridegroom, came so that we may live and live abundantly. John 10:10

Let’s stop running and like in the movie Runaway Bride, turn in our running shoes, but turn them into Jesus!

 

Mother’s Day

13 years ago my mom lost the battle against cancer. And today I am going to publish a piece of her journal that she wrote during her fight. For those who have experienced a love one going through cancer you know the pain of fear of loss. It is hard to imagine losing that person and your thoughts so easily focus on that. But, I didn’t realize at the age of 17 that my mom had it harder. She had to endure the pain of treatments, coughing, vomiting, and the thought of never seeing her daughter get married or have children.

I am honoring my mom by telling you that Renee Clayton was a strong woman. This journal proves it. My hope is that when you read this, if you know someone with cancer, it may give you a glimpse of what they are going through.

March 1, 1995

The beginning of a new challenge. I have been told that 1995 was going to be a great year, good changes. Well change is the operative word here. It changed when I was told that I have a tumor on my kidney that has also spread. Change and challenge. I am now facing one of the biggest challenges of my life. How fast you are snapped into reality after you have just been knocked out in outerspace. Even in these first 5 weeks I have learned a lot and no doubt will be learning more. I feel I will be fine through this, but it does not always compensate for the fear of the unknown. The first four weeks of all the tests and waiting for the results were hell. A living agony. All the way praying for God to give me strength, keep me strong for the biggest fight of my life. There is a reason for everything. I firmly believe this. I remember praying to God that my life would change not so long before I learned I have cancer. I felt my life was leading no where fast, but I knew I had a purpose in this life. I always prayed for the answer. I remember a psychic telling me that the worst thing that could happen to me would end up being the best thing that ever happened. I also would see my grandchildren. I remember thinking that was nice of him to throw in the grandchildren statement since it was not a question that I asked him. Or he also saw me having a sickness around the stomach area, but I will be all right. All of these coming like sudden revelations back to me. I remember stopping at a church before I knew the results of my biopsy. Praying for strength, deep down knowing the results. I knew with one word my life would change. I wanted a change. I asked that I be healed mentally, physically, and spiritually. I have survived pain and change in my life before, but I also always felt I am here for a purpose. Unless I made changes in my total lifestyle, I could never reach that goal. Everyday I get strength from God to forge ahead. Everyday driving downtown to Harper Hospital and the real treatment has not even begun. I did have one radiation treatment. I remember feeling like you only see or hear of this in the movies. I was actually going through this! I had Dr. Foreman ask me if I ever asked myself why I got this or if I did anything to get this. I said yeah, mostly I am still in shock. He said nothing, just bad luck and now we will work on you getting some good luck. I think of the doctor telling me that I am healthy, have a great heart, great lungs, but you have cancer. So much to absorb sometimes that you get tired of thinking of it. Every morning and waking up realizing that this is not a bad dream. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and I don’t want it to be clouded up with thoughts of Monday when I have to be admitted for my first treatment of Interleukin 2, hoping to be the 20 percent who respond totally the first time. I pray I do not get the worst side effects. I am just so happy it is not chemotherapy. That scared me the most, but the therapy does not seem like it could be a breeze. I pray it is not that bad. Talk about anxiety. Everybody at work has been great. I sometimes felt as if I was trying to keep their spirits up, like they had more fear than I did. My family, well I don’t really know how they feel. Probably fear for me. This touches all of them. But I know how they feel, because I know how I would feel if it was one of them. Tracie is doing ok, but I know she does not show a lot. We will be fine I know it. God will be our carrier through this for both of us. I am so glad she is going to be 17 instead of little. I do not think I could handle this. God only gives you what you can handle and nothing more. What I have to do is put my trust in Him and let Him do the work. I can’t worry, it will help nothing. Easier said than done. Right now I am in my day 3 of treatment. I think it really hit me that I have this disease. Being admitted in the hospital made everything real. A big reality check. So far the treatment itself has not been as bad as I imagined. I just have to let them help me. I am not used to hospitals and having all this time on my hands. All this time to think. I talk to Tracie everyday so that helps. I miss her, but talking to her everyday helps a lot. Shelly being here everyday has helped a lot too. It really means so much. All my family calling has been nice. I talked to a nurse here today. Sarah and her have pretty high hopes that this treatment is going to work. I hope so. I know it will. It is kind of overwhelming, real overwhelming! Dr. Redman came in just now. He is really amazing. I feel real good about him. He is a very good and compassionate doctor. He reminds me of David Letterman. Not at all what I expected. He says I am doing very good. I really believe in him. I really did luck out getting him as a doctor. If you think about this, I really have been blessed finding this and all of the doctors who supported me. I feel so comfortable with Dr. Redman.

April 27, 1995

I was just thinking as I was relaxing at home between my treatments. I feel so abnormal. Like all of a sudden I do not belong. I feel sometimes that I am a display. I am being watched. I am labeled with the “C” word.  Everything happened so fast. It is as if my life is being blown out of the water and I am waiting to land. The treatments were not so bad. I do not like hospitals. I can just say it was uncomfortable and I had a lot of anxiety. Also you feel a loss of control. Feeling sick when you do not want to. Will I ever feel normal again? I know I will, but I have to be patient. You have to get some control or you really feel like you are losing it.  I think having the week off in between has really given me a lot of time to think. It has kind of been depressing because I am not used to having all this time on my hands. I do not want people looking at me and thinking sick! I know that this too shall pass. It is to be expected. Plus the weather has not been that great, and that plays a lot in your mind. People have been so nice. I have a lot of nice cards and gifts.

May 11, 1995

Well, I have had my second treatment and it has been six days since my last dose. Things went pretty smooth at the beginning, but the side effects came on pretty hard around Wednesday or Thursday. I missed only two doses which is pretty good. I really hope this does a good job, I just can’t think of doing this again. I want to feel normal for once. It has been a month. I still have a temp and I am working on the water weight I have to lose. It is finally starting to go to my legs. It took longer this time than last time. Well I was in a large dose, and I did end up getting more Lasix and cough syrup. The coughing is finally going away from fluid on my lungs. Fun, fun, fun!

Restored

I am struggling with the photo thing with no patience because of lack of energy. However part of my picture showed up, well enough to share with you what I was hoping to. This rubble used to be a liquor store on L street. Many of times in the past I have sat at a light staring at the store having mini conversations with God about how I knew this store was bringing destruction in people’s lives. My heart knows about addiction and destruction. I mean most the times I have gone past that building I was leaving Living Well. Those people in that liquor store were no different than me, looking for some way to numb the pain. Except I knew about Jesus and I have him in my heart. So I was hoping for that liquor store to become something else, a place that brought hope instead of destruction. Then the craziest thing happened… the liquor store was shut down, no longer in business. THEN my jaw dropped when I saw this, it was no longer just shut down, but tore down! CRUSHED! Wow. Could it be that I knew the deeper plans of God, or that He listened to me all those nights while sitting at that red light across from this what used to be a liquor store? Maybe, but I also know this picture represents my heart, my life. Though you crush, slay me, still I will trust in you is what Job said in the bible.
Many walls in my heart have been torn down, crushed, broken so God could rebuild me how He originally created me to be. This is still a process. I know that He began a good work in me and He will finish it. Sometimes it hurts to be a construction project. Sometimes I feel like I am forever going to be like a pile of rubble. But the truth is I am restored. I am restored. And so is this old liquor store which I believe is going to be used for God’s glory! Amen. Thanks for reading!

Six Quirky Things

I think I was tagged for this by Mandy? I am still trying to figure this all out.

1. I like to control the amount of junk food I eat by eating in even numbers, not with chips, but like when I eat cookies or candies I do this. (I was at a conference where we had to turn around and share a quirk with the person behind us, the lady said she sleeps on the couch when she doesn’t want to wake her husband up, which is that a quirk? So needless to say when I shared this I felt like an idiot).

2. I have a pattern with how I shower- first shampoo, then washing my face, then shaving- not everyday, then conditioner, then body wash.

3. I don’t eat messy foods- sloppy joe, ribs for example.

4. I brush my teeth in the middle of the day if I need to feel awake.

5. I wear socks to match my shirt for example red shirt, black pants, red socks.

6. I am disgusted by boogers, snot, it makes me sick, I can’t stand to see them when people don’t blow their noses right and it hangs out.

Goodbyes are just hard!

Especially this one. One of my really good friends just moved away to Winter Springs, FL (near Orlando) for a job. I know her heart’s desires will be met there in many ways. To say I am not sad would be lying. Truly I am very sad because we have fun when we hang out like that kind of fun where you laugh at the same things (and sometimes you laugh until you almost wet your pants and laughing so hard you are crying!), you want to watch Grey’s Anatomy because that person got you addicted to it, you have the same favorite beverage Cherry Coke, and enjoy potty humor together. All of these things are random but they are what made a very special friendship. The best part though aside from all the fun and laughing is the balance of deep caring and deep praying for each others sorrows and struggles past and present. I love my friend Christina and even though she moved away that love doesn’t go away. Still loving…

My heart is broken

I got a letter from my apartment manager saying if we are caught feeding outside cats there is a $300 fine, which is a violation, and that amount is the pet fee! Ugghh, pretty sure they don’t know how hard it is for me not to feed the precious little kittens screaming outside my door especially now that it is cold out. Maybe she doesn’t understand because they are not approaching her for life sustaining food. My question is, when Jesus said feed the hungry, poor, and needy, did He mean animals? Here is a picture so you can see and feel my pain:

I don’t have $300, but I confess that this morning I fed them and then quickly removed the bowls. Please pray that these kittens will end up in a good, loving home and that if I have to take them to the Humane Society the Lord will bring me help to do that. Getting 5 wild cats into two carriers seems a little overwhelming and impossible to me at the moment.

Today was amazing!

So I have a second wind as hard as it is to believe after 5 hours of sun, water, and wave fighting. Some of you may see my photos on facebook but I would love to share the story behind them because it is one worth writing!

First of all my day started off fun going to 8 am church, which is a foreign land to me! The funny thing is I did get many “what are you doing here?” comments which cracks me up really! I am the 11 oclock church girl but it was kinda neat to see some faces I don’t normally get to see. Thanks goes out to Heather who was right on knowing why I came early to church because she read my update. I love that… and I love facebook how you can know things which you may not otherwise know without it. Many of times I have come out with things and people will be like, “how do you know that?”, and with some smirk on my face I will say… facebook~

That was a side story, or soapbox, but now I will get back on track. Today was one of those days where I just knew I belong here. Traveling on the water I thought of when I was deciding on whether or not to move to Brunswick, Georgia from Michigan. My mom’s best friend Sandy is a Christian and I asked her, “How do I know I am supposed to go to Georgia”? Her answer was, “You will know once you get there because if God doesn’t want you there He will close the door.”

With time to reflect on the last 5 years there was no doubt God sent me here. Truly I get asked that famous question of “How did you end up in Brunswick, Georgia?” A LOT and the answer is a divine appointment from God.

This is where my story began, and no matter where I end up this place I will always call home.
Speaking of that I was able to spend some fun, quality time with my first “family” that God brought me in the year 2003. The Tarplees have my heart, especially when they invite me on their waverunners! I love being out on the water! Below is me with a hat that Eva thought would be great for the photo.

Christmas has begun and what better way to start it out?

We began our adventure leaving from Champney Island. Here is a map of our route:

A first for me was floating on the Altamaha River eating our picnic! Okay, a picnic on the water, how much better can it get? Well it does get better, then worse, then better! Our gourmet lunch consisted of sandwiches from Friendly Express… egg salad for me and let me tell you this is now a favorite food on my list! WOW! To add to the gourmet meal was cheddar sun chips. I also shared with some seagulls who swooped down with quite a performance getting those chips.
A waverunning trip with the Tarplees includes collecting seashells. Our first shell stop was at Wolf Island. From Wolf Island we traveled to Little St. Simons. AND it was there that I saw three sets of Dolphins, two of the sets traveled in duo. The amazing thing was that those dolphins were swimming not but 2 feet away from my waverunner. God revealed His Glory to me in that very moment. I have always wanted to swim with dolphins and well today… I got pretty close to that
On our 2nd and 3rd stops at Little St. Simons is where I fought the waves. Oh let me tell you I was having fun with them out in the far ocean! My element is water so I was like a little kid out there jumping the waves and taking risks I don’t normally take. Then I even got to lay out on the beach while Scott and Eva looked for more shells. This was a great time for meditation and relaxation. Little did I know I needed that to prepare me for what was next! The trouble came when trying to get on the waverunner leaving the island. 3 times total I was thrown off the waverunner and one time I was wailed in the head with it! At this moment I wanted to give up. But did I tell you I kept going and no wave defeated me? Thank you Jesus!
After that my strength was drained, my head hurt, and body super sore so the rest of the trip was smooth sailing for me. Thankfully after my battle with the waves it was not but 5 minutes before we hit smooth water being back on a river, Hampton River. This is where I got some more sun and kept wondering “Are we there yet”?
Heading back seemed really long on the Altamaha River! Happiness was in my heart when I saw Champney Island where our journey began! Yes, total our trip was 5 hours long. Were we tired?

This says it all! But I must say it was worth it! Today I experienced the presence, glory, and love of God like I have never before. How did the day end? With a warm shower and a good game of scrabble! Now… it’s time for bed! Night Night!