Bon Appetit July 9, 2012

They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I love to bake. Hope I marry a man who loves sweets. Truthfully and honestly I despise cooking. Hope I marry a chef. However cooking in my crock pot right now is a pot roast. You smell it? After much encouragement from friends I gave in and have began practicing. Moving into a better apartment has helped too. Plus it really is more healthy than instant meals. This blog has sat idle for a while now. Writing is healthy too. I need to be more engaged in life and be in the moment. I find it real hard to take care of myself sometimes. How can I take care of others if I don’t take care of myself? The funny thing is the power went out today. And it’s a bright, sunny day. Maybe that was a sign from God. Haha. Tonight’s meal has been designed thanks to the foodonthetable.com application (And if you are on my face book you know how much I really like my new iPhone). It even allowed me to make a grocery list. So I’m going to admit that makes cooking a little more fun. I cleaned all day and candles are burning. Dinner was delicious. Here is a picture of the BBQ pork roast and cream corn casserole. This meal will be made by me again.

All my love,

Tracie

World This is Me… May 24, 2011

Somewhere in between divorce, and cancer and more loss than most people my age I lost who I am. Not to blame anyone because God has an ultimate plan for each of us. Truthfully looking back is much easier than going through. Comfortably my coping skill has been to hide. But I don’t want to, because I want to live, and live well(healthy). So I am on a journey to find and show the world the real me. It is really hard because I am afraid if they see it they may not like it. And fear makes me go back to unhealthy patterns like running or hiding. Throwing up walls around my heart to protect from hurt. Like the hurt that if the world doesn’t like the real me they will leave. Some of you may not have this fear. But see I already have had enough people leave me. And significant people that I have loved deeply.

So this doesn’t sound very Christianese, but World This is Me…take it or leave it.

But God knows I am continuing to grow, and plans to make me into they very best in His eyes.

If you want to be a part of my journey, I would love that. If not, I am learning to say goodbye with head and chin up, heart open knowing I will be okay.

Because the creator of this earth promises in His word(bible) to never leave me or foresake me.

Still vulnerable, loving, and giving up my running shoes,

Tracie

Giving March 17, 2011

My mom had to start taking things out of the box. These were things we needed. I wanted to give everything we had to the Ronald McDonald House. This has been my whole life. I want to give my hair. That is in honor of the woman who gave me life that fought kidney cancer for 5 months. I want to give away my bone marrow, but have to wait for a call from the registry. Working in dialysis I want to give away my kidney. Which I am pretty sure I got confirmation in my soul that I need to keep it until family or a dear friend needs it. But there are times when I want to sign up and give it to a complete stranger. There is someone I know who wants my washer. And I wish I could give it to him today. But I need to know I have money to purchase a new one. I constantly want to give away things. It has always been this way even when I tried to change so I wouldn’t hurt. In the bible though there is this part that says All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. I sin by getting angry when people take, take, take. To truly have a real relationship there has to be giving and take. I know who in my life has invested in me and who has just taken all they could until I was dry and empty. What I am learning is that I have to keep giving if God tells me to. And be wise when making decisions, including  relationship expectations. I can think of a person right now who I have known for 8 years. I have given a lot, and they have invested little into me. There was a time where I got angry. Now I know though that when I give to have little expectations he will give back. I am just giving because it is a part of me and I love to do it. Then there are friends who I know invested in me. I spend most of my time towards them not worrying about the others. Because the truth is relationships have seasons. As I get older I become more aware of who I am and who I want to surround myself with. It has not been an easy journey. It has been worthwhile though.

Thanks for listening,

Tracie

When Grown Men Cry (An inside look) November 11, 2010

Dear lovely people who are taking time to read these thoughts,

It has been so long. Time is a precious thing, as you know. Thank you for yours.

I am filled with much emotion thinking about influential men in my life and their tears. When women cry we tend to disregard it as hormones or that’s the way we are. Great power comes from a woman’s tears. It’s just that when a man cries, there is something deep going on.  Young boys are either taught, or teach themselves, to stuff things in, be strong. Once again, a woman can be too. But as adults, women get together for cry fests. Men rarely do, that I know of.

A roommate of mine once proclaimed how I’d be a public speaker one day. This was several years ago. And though I’m no Billy Graham, I have dared to go in front of people, and seen how my words have touched their hearts. God created me with this gift to see deep into others. And there is nothing like seeing that in the heart of a grown man.

Quite honestly all personality tests point this girl as an introvert. And the truth is it’s the truth. But there is this part of me (here is the inside look) that craves to be center stage. I speak with meaning. There is wisdom in my heart that when spoken breaks down walls around people’s hearts.

Recently, and sadly, my grandfather passed away. He meant a whole lot to me. It was a great honor to speak at this funeral. Afterwards people commented on the speech. But they didn’t see what I did. With my words I saw years of emotion pour out like honey from a jar. It was sweet and raw. More love was in that room than like never before.

When grown men cry the little boy is exposed. The boy who loved before all hurt and pain came into his world. A freedom is born, priorities are changed,

and what really matters becomes reality.

Sincerely,

Tracie

The Serenity Prayer January 27, 2010

It has hung on my wall as a child. But as an adult this became personal.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

For some reason it has always been more comfortable trying to change the things I cannot change. Partly because I know that this task is not possible and less chance of failure when the odds are already against me. Also because changing the things I can means the scary step of change.

To take it more personal, like today personal, what has really hit me hard is my mom’s death certificate in a file cabinet that belongs to me. Not a friend, not a coworker, not an acquaintance even. That is my file cabinet and the reality is mine to own. Most recently I have taken ownership of cards and notes from her funeral. These are in another drawer with some of my winter pajamas. Some days I just stare at it not ready to go there. The only time my hand does go there is when weather warrants it.

It has been 15 years almost since the loss of my lifetime. However, we all grieve differently. Right now I am in the process of mostly acceptance. Accepting the things I can’t change, for me at this very moment, is accepting a death certificate and funeral cards which are now a part of my future. I can’t change this thing that happened which forever wounded and left my soul empty.

Abandonment is an issue that seems to haunt me most days. But there is hope for a better tomorrow. Because God is on my side and with faith anything is possible. Today, I can change…have to think about that one. With a wisdom to know the difference an answer will come. In time.

If you are reading this, how are your prayers becoming personal?

Much love,

Tracie

Hope Never Dies April 4, 2009

This story has an inspiring message. He agreed to let me share it for the spread of awareness that Hope Never Dies. My hope for tonight at the benefit is deep connections and bonding memories with his friends and family.

“Words of expression can’t possibly begin to explain the true blessings of God’s Grace and the most recent support to my family and my situation. As expressed in the poem, this is my third diagnosis and I have been battling this awful disease on and off since my 27th birthday in 2001. First time around I was in such a state of shock for so long and when they told me to go home and write my will and enjoy the next couple months with my wife and daughter…devastation was all I could embrace. But through God’s Will and the support of the most loving group of family and friends that any person could possibly imagine, we overcame the odds and fought through all of the doubt. So lets jump ahead to 2009, we just bought a new home last April and finally have our kids settled into a normal routine and having fun like a normal family…when BAM! First its back, then its not operable, and finally at one time when a heart transplant was my worst-case scenario, here it appears, it has just become my best. So the fear, anger, doubt, and questions of faith all about consumed me. Then, incredibly, out of a tool like “Facebook” high school friends, who I had only recently re-connected with, started to rally with words of hope and inspiration. The next thing you know an event of 20-30 of close high school friends grew into a true network of compassion from people everywhere. I can honestly say, that this single, compassionate deed gave me the ability to see the light once again, to understand its not about the result, but the fight, journey, and battle along the way. Regardless of the ending, I want everyone to know how special each and everyone of your gestures, donations, and time means to my family and me. Although the financial contribution is great and we will humbly accept these gracious gifts and appreciate how they will allow for some additional comfort for what our future holds, the true gift in the benefit is an opportunity for not just my family and I to visit with everyone, but the great part is that everyone of you will be able to visit with each other as well. What a great moment… now different circumstances would have been nice, but most great things come out of difficult situations if you chose to accept the challenge. The true success of the benefit will be a group of friends, some close and some distant, but, nevertheless, a special group of people who chose to make a difference, who chose to share the gifts of life, and most of all for those who chose to show me a love that has always been such a special part of my life.”

All My Love, Alex

Going Beyond Superficial March 27, 2009

Disclaimer-I don’t claim to have it all together. My life is a journey with one goal to press on believing the God who began a good work in me will be faithful to complete it. I have to cling to knowing that my past had a reason and that my today will have an eternal impact. I could give you a list of people who might testify that I impacted them in a negative way. Yes, a list of people whom my words have wounded them. And I call myself a Christian. Well, actually I rarely call myself that. But it is my faith. It is what saved my soul from despair. Yet it didn’t make me to never fail. I know in my head the only perfection is in Jesus. Then there is the fear in my heart. A fear that has kept me from being real. The real where I literally go to the depths with others beyond superficial. Like not protecting myself by hiding behind my church mask. Here is the deal. For any reading this that might be afraid to go to church I understand that. There are a lot of things in the bible that I don’t always obey. If those like me who claim to be Christians obeyed more of how Jesus taught us to love one another, then I think you would be running to find that on Sunday morning. To every fear there is a flip side. I read in a book called The Papa Prayer that the flip side to fear is desire. I desire relationship, deep connection, and to be valued. You may desire these things or others unique to you. Only God can satisfy those. However, please note that God has loved on me through some amazing imperfect Christians after planting me in this foreign land of the south. Yet, even at church my fear of rejection keeps me from being my true self. And then the ugly cycle of protecting myself begins again. How about we put away our church masks and start walking this road together, not as perfect, but simply redeemed?