Love and Obedience November 22, 2007

You know, praise reports are awesome for those who have been with you the whole extent of your journey. I wish all who read this could experience the deep beauty of this story like some who have traveled with me through it all. Yet, today I share this so you can see the glory of God in this brief testimony. Medical bills, two of them totalling almost $5,000 is what my insurance would not cover. Fighting the insurance company was outside my comfort zone. I knew I was fighting a big battle but I thought what do I have to lose? They can say no, and they did, so the second time I fought I thought, what’s the worst thing that can happen? They say no, and I pay on it until I am 40, right? So again, unlike me, I fought again this time with different documents. In the meantime I am surrounded by people who God is taking care of in small and… big ways. At a concert I watched a whole congregation gather money for a single mom, the total gathered… exactly what I needed to pay those medical bills. After that, still during the concert, I broke down in tears and cried to God asking Him why He took care of her and not me. I know… but it was how I felt. I got a promise from Him that He would take care of me in abundance. My selfishness and pride was addressed in a loving way, and I did some obeying before I watched God show up. From my heart I obeyed God out of brokeness and love, so… on Friday I saw what happens when I trust and obey God. He does provide and He did pay all my medical bills. The insurance company wrote me two letters one for each claim stating I have no responsibility for the payments. AND today I even got a refund for the payment I made to one of the providers.

Talk about Glory Revealed…

I am very thankful this Thanksgiving:)

Bandaids??? November 22, 2007

Recently I had surgery and my incision got infected. Taking strong antibiotics was rough for me. Looking at the outside of my incision I really thought it was not healing. To be honest I never remember having a wound that needed antibiotics. When talking with an amazing woman and friend on the phone her words of wisdom stuck with me: “Honey, it takes more time for something to heal from the inside out.”

And… I thought about that in reference to my emotional wounds. My circumstances in life have wounded me. God has given me a heart to desire healing in my life. I have even referenced the healing of my emotional wounds to the healing of a physical scar. You know the pain of when you poor water into a cut, that sting? That is what it feels like to me when I am being healed from an emotional wound. Yet, some wounds are deep, deep enough where they need to be healed from the inside out.

What happens with that? You may take antibiotics that make you feel sick before you feel better. You see a pus, gross I know, but drainage and puss come out of the wound. AND it takes time, more time than I thought to heal a wound from the inside out.

This was a big revelation for me because some of my emotional wounds need more deep healing than I have thought or allowed. Honestly I have been looking for a bandaid to place over them because I don’t want to see the nasty puss come out or feel the yuck of the healing like that of taking antibiotics. I want to be cured quickly and carry on with life like “normal” people. Bandaids work for a while, but then they fall off. Or we have to rip them off. And people can then see our wounds. We are exposed. Interestingly enough tearing off a bandaid makes the deep wound bigger and deeper. Huh…

At first the bandaid looks like the best option. Eventually the deepest of wounds will be uncovered. For me, the deep wound healing at this moment is the lies I believe because of my past. Lies like I am not loved, I am not of worth, I am not good enough, people don’t like me, no one wants to hang out with me. I was looking to be healed from the outside in, wanting my circumstances or people to change. My bandaid is being ripped off as I see the extent of bondage in my life because of the lies I believe and wounds still unhealed.

Today I can be thankful for the amazing healing God has already done in my life. A lot of puss and drainage has been removed from emotional wounds in my heart. Do I still look for the quick and easy bandaid route sometimes, yes? When I let God heal me from the inside out it is difficult. It is hard and messy. But real healing happens when I surrender to those famous words, “sit in the pain.” How do I know? Because I have experienced it and have been amazed at the work of God in my life. I want to be restored and redeemed to what the Lord created me to be. So… I think I will pass on the bandaids!

Did You Know About Me? November 16, 2007

Here are 3 random things about me you may not know:

1. I taught Aerobics in college. I actually took a class on how to teach aerobics… okay, who does not love PE classes? I forgot if they were called PE. No I think they had a fancy name. Anyways, my last summer in college before graduating I taught aerobics and step aerobics. I still have the music I used. Using the fun microphone was my favorite. The challenge was when the microphone did not work and I had to yell… me, yell? That was a hoot!

2. I worked in a diesel factory for 2 summers. How did I come to do that might you ask? My dad is a machine repairman in a diesel factory so that’s how I got hooked up with that. I was a part of making diesel engines. Little ol’ me with the big machines. I got made fun of a good amount all in fun of course:) Yep, me and a bunch of middle age and older men, in a diesel factory. Here is my proof:

But I really miss it… my fav memory? You see it was not a moving line I worked on. The engine would come to my station on a moving cart after the person before me finished their part. Well it took me a while to get used to those big tools especially the huge torque machine that hung from the ceiling! There is this one time I thought it was going to lift me up in the air. That machine got me made fun of a lot because I could never get the darn thing to line up with the bolts! But that is not my fav memory.

One day I decided to use the hooky thing that lifted up the big diesel parts for me. Usually strained my back so I could keep up with the people who had been there for 30 years. The big hooky thing was safer for me but slower. So back to the hooky thing. I thought I was going to get fired when I heard the loud kaboom of… I didn’t know because I was facing the other way headed to the bathroom! I had forgot to put the hooky thing back where it belonged and after I pushed the button for the cart to move forward the hooky thing caught onto the cart and away went the diesel parts. I am not going to say what went on in my mind, the words I thought, but I am pretty sure you can imagine. When I turned around I realized the mess I had caused and tried to run and fix it. That is a good lesson… some messes are not safe to run after and fix. Thank God for safety buttons! And like a girl I started crying. No worries I didn’t get fired:)

3. I was able to go on an improv stage and represent one of my homies from D-town… Eminem. Yes, thanks to a very extroverted friend of mine who volunteered me to go up there as a birthday present! Really Eminem now lives in the same area where I grew up near my high school. His old house in D-town (8 mile) which is a shack sold for millions. So needless to say I know some about him, but me, act like a rapper?… no way! Whose Line Is It Anyway does the skit where you are a guest at a party and you have to act out who you are until they guess it! Like that show they  told me to act like Eminem and I about died. So… don’t remember much of the details because it was traumatizing. For those who want to know more I have people that were there who would love to act it out for you!

Sometimes I volunteer and sometimes I am just plain kinda forced to go out of my comfort zone…

My Mom… November 14, 2007

My mom… this is a picture of a picture. I like this one because it really represents who she was. She loved to take pictures but never wanted to be in them. In this photo is her with a real smile and it is so sweet to see that. I have this one framed and it sits on my dresser in my bedroom.

I wanted to tell people about her. Alot I don’t remember because I really didn’t get to know her. She died when I was 17 and she was almost 39. I think as an adult is when you really get to know your parent(s) so I missed out on that.

Renee was my best friend. She was a single mom who took care of me the best she knew how. From what I knew of her she loved to entertain people. She made birthdays and holidays really, really special, especially my birthday and Christmas. I have so many memories I could share. She was really loved by a lot of people.

I think if she were able to read this now she wouldn’t want to be known as the woman who had cancer. But she would smile upon the fact I am now sharing my feelings about it. How does one describe the feelings of pain of losing your best friend and the person who took care of you? 17 and finding out your mom has a malignant tumor on her kidney is like falling into a hole and not wanting to get out.

Her and I well our home was a trailer, mobile home… and it was OUR home. It was my safety. On that day she came into my bedroom to tell me she had the “bad cancer” nothing seemed safe anymore.

It had already spread to her liver so her prognosis was poor. The doctors gave her experimental radiation. My mom was not given the option of chemo but her and I did have fun about what wig we would pick out for her if she did. Oh my gosh that radiation made her sick and me so sad. I felt so helpless thinking I can’t take care of my mom. Who is going take care of me? It was really hard for me but I know now through a journal of hers that it was her hope… that radiation was her hope.

My mom fought cancer, kidney cancer which spread to her liver and lungs. We, her family, watched her fight hard. But 5 months later after diagnosis my hope, my hope is that she went home to be with the Lord. I don’t know that for sure which made my accepting the gift of eternal life very difficult. I couldn’t imagine going to Heaven and not seeing my mom. I have had some confirmation that she is there. That is my hope…

Friends have cried in front of me imagining losing their moms. I have been told I am strong by more than 1. Oh no but not always. I am weak when it comes to love. How does one love again after a huge loss? How does one accept the possibility of abandonment after a mom dying to cancer, all that she had dying to cancer? How does one believe she is loved if the God of the Universe would allow this kind of suffering in me and look upon others who have one or two loving, present parents?

These are questions I am asking God. This is a part of my recovery, healing, wholeness, and freedom. No, I am not strong, but when I am weak God is strong. And believe me this is A LOT. 

I think it is real easy to judge someone from the outside. Recently I pondered how do I love someone and not judge them when they have judged me? Or even just keep myself from judging to make myself feel better? How do I love people who don’t treat me right? And in part of the advice given to me was to see yourself walking in their shoes.

Do you know someone you would like to change or see changed? Find out their story and feel their sorrow. Because I am pretty sure those characteristics you want to change have a story behind them. And then see yourself walking in their shoes. While you are doing that pray because this is usually the time God reveals something in your own heart that needs to be changed. Ps. that happens to me frequently these days!

On the outside I am a Christian, a nutritionist on a 8-5 job, I own an apartment, and attend church with the abilility to put on the church face. On the outside I have people I consider friends and their names are in my cell phone and I hang out with them on the weekends. On the outside I am the young lady who is 29 and umarried with 2 cats.

What is beind all that?… just a girl who is afraid to love and believe she is loved. What is in my future? Hope, healing, victory, freedom…. and God sized dreams. But mostly I am excited to say love is in my future! Yay… I am on my journey to becoming myself, loving myself, and being able to TRUST love! I am ready to be pursued for who I am and look forward to real relationship!

What have I gained from my experience of deep loss? An ability to acknowlege people and care deeply about them. I have seen the depths of how important people and relationships are because we really don’t know for sure how long we have them. That is a gift I have been entrusted with.

I’ll be Home for Christmas! November 13, 2007

This is what I am hoping to wake up to on Christmas. Not in Georgia… although all things are possible. I will be in Michigan this year …yay! It has been 2-3 years since I have been to my 1st home on Christmas and seen snow!

Have you ever awoke to snow on Christmas morning? It is amazing!!! And there is something magical about it. (As a child it was magical and as an adult it brings me back to my child at heart).

I am super excited and dreaming of a White Christmas… are you?

Actually I saw a Coldstone ice cream this summer when I was home… so I am craving it and so wanting to go there. Ice cream and snow, such a perfect combination, don’t you think?

The Definition of a Cat Lady November 13, 2007

Patches

Pixie

These are my furry friends, sisters born and raised in Georgia… ha ha! Born in Georgia not really sure you can raise cats. There is a story to them… sadly I never wanted to be the cat lady. Funny I referenced myself as a cat lady yesterday at lunch with some new friends. Before writing this I honestly looked up cat lady in my dictionary… couldn’t find it. What is the definition? Is there a certain age to be considered a cat LADY? More than 1 cat? Living alone with cats? Then yep I am a cat lady. However I don’t want to be cat obsessed to the point of… here is a story about that.

My internship was in Riverdale, Georgia. That was my first adventure from Michigan to this state. My second being my move back to Brunswick. Okay so I lived with a dietitian in Griffin, Georgia. Wait I lived with her and her precious really furry friend Annabelle. I didn’t think that furry friend was precious because when I was left alone with her she made horrible hairballs on purpose I swear! I would cat sit every once in a while and the ultimate “oh no way” was when my roommate gave me instructions how how to speak to her cat and call it into the bathroom to lick the water coming out of the faucet. Yep at that moment I thought I never want to become like that.

Then came my move from Michigan again this time to Brunswick. My friend and coworker Norah’s cat had a litter. The story is that I said no to her first even as she tried to sell me that I needed a cat because I was here all by myself. Thoughts of Annabelle brought fear to what I would become. Until the day Norah called me to say she was in town and had the litter with her. I had to let her into my apartment, right? Well I did and I couldn’t resist those tiny kitten faces. I chose Pixie and Patches so they could have each other and would not be lonely!

And today I fed a stray cat so Lord knows I may be responsible for another cat… making 3! I feel like cats just draw to me like they know I have a soft heart towards them. Or maybe they smell the scent of Pixie and Patches.

These furry friends of mine have been the first thing I really loved since my mom died. I can’t run from them. Somedays I wonder about giving them away because I don’t know how I will face the day they pass away. But I don’t do that because I know I am supposed to embrace their love and enjoy the moments I have with them. The amazing thing is… they have been a very big part of my emotional healing and recovery. Pixie and Patches are my gift from God and really have been pet therapy for my soul~so…

If I am definition of cat lady I think I am okay with that!

Oh and anyone wanting a cat? There are strays where I live and they are so sweet!

I did it… November 12, 2007

So, I have been itching to start blogging for some time now. I had some hesitancy because I was not sure who would read it. But I think I am really supposed to start doing this… and it cracked me up when I went on to the home page for this and it said “express yourself.” My mom was all about me doing that growing up, but I was too afraid. So I have all these ideas of how I am going to share my heart on this. I fear no one will read it because I am not popular, not the one who stands out in the crowd, not the one people gravitate to for a great story. Is what I say really that cool? BUT the awesome thing is that I came onto this blog believing what I have to say is important and I hope there will be people who read my stories. One of my goals for this blog is to show people my lighter, creative side… yes I have one… did you know I was funny? Yeah I did not either until recently. God has been showing me who I am in Jesus and who I am NOT. Wow that is the best feeling in the world for me! So yes I am funny… not like telling funny stories… I can tell short funny stories, but I have great one liners that make people laugh and I love it!

I titled my blog something to say because for most of my life I have been in a shell, afraid to talk, and a lot of it was lies I was told in my childhood. I was told I was shy, I needed to talk more and I guess I felt I just couldn’t measure up so I became what they said.

My mom is what I was trying to measure up to because I was compared to her so much. She was the life of the party and she talked for me… she did all the talking for me. That was a big revelation for me a couple of years ago.

When I was a child I had several ear infections and developed scar tissue. During one of my reconstructive ear surgeries they found growth (non-cancerous) on my left ear drum. They had to remove the bone- ear drum and I have a prosthesis in that ear. My hearing loss has been a huge insecurity for me. In large groups I can’t hear all the words people are saying and it makes it hard for me to join in. It really is sad when I miss out on the jokes and they are no fun when have to be repeated. But as a child this was one of the reasons I didn’t talk or join in the conversation. One on one conversations were always easier for me with my hearing loss. And when a word I said came out incorrectly it was not as embarrassing if only one person heard it.

I have been on a journey practicing talking which for extroverts that is maybe hard to believe. I really hate meaningless words but they have come out of my mouth as I really have to say “Tracie talk… just do it…” when I am in a crowd of people or with someone who talks a lot. And I am going to reveal that people who talk too much and don’t let others get a word in annoy me.

As I said above I am not popular, or a story teller, or the life of a crowd, but here is what I am… I am someone who has a deep relationship with the Lord. He has given me a gift of seeing beyond the surface. I have a lot of wisdom and perspective into the hearts of people and myself. When I talk it is mostly deep and encouraging. Oh and did I tell you I found out I was funny? So because of this I started a blog to reveal to you about myself and life. I hope you will listen because I have…

“Something to Say”…