My mom… this is a picture of a picture. I like this one because it really represents who she was. She loved to take pictures but never wanted to be in them. In this photo is her with a real smile and it is so sweet to see that. I have this one framed and it sits on my dresser in my bedroom.
I wanted to tell people about her. Alot I don’t remember because I really didn’t get to know her. She died when I was 17 and she was almost 39. I think as an adult is when you really get to know your parent(s) so I missed out on that.
Renee was my best friend. She was a single mom who took care of me the best she knew how. From what I knew of her she loved to entertain people. She made birthdays and holidays really, really special, especially my birthday and Christmas. I have so many memories I could share. She was really loved by a lot of people.
I think if she were able to read this now she wouldn’t want to be known as the woman who had cancer. But she would smile upon the fact I am now sharing my feelings about it. How does one describe the feelings of pain of losing your best friend and the person who took care of you? 17 and finding out your mom has a malignant tumor on her kidney is like falling into a hole and not wanting to get out.
Her and I well our home was a trailer, mobile home… and it was OUR home. It was my safety. On that day she came into my bedroom to tell me she had the “bad cancer” nothing seemed safe anymore.
It had already spread to her liver so her prognosis was poor. The doctors gave her experimental radiation. My mom was not given the option of chemo but her and I did have fun about what wig we would pick out for her if she did. Oh my gosh that radiation made her sick and me so sad. I felt so helpless thinking I can’t take care of my mom. Who is going take care of me? It was really hard for me but I know now through a journal of hers that it was her hope… that radiation was her hope.
My mom fought cancer, kidney cancer which spread to her liver and lungs. We, her family, watched her fight hard. But 5 months later after diagnosis my hope, my hope is that she went home to be with the Lord. I don’t know that for sure which made my accepting the gift of eternal life very difficult. I couldn’t imagine going to Heaven and not seeing my mom. I have had some confirmation that she is there. That is my hope…
Friends have cried in front of me imagining losing their moms. I have been told I am strong by more than 1. Oh no but not always. I am weak when it comes to love. How does one love again after a huge loss? How does one accept the possibility of abandonment after a mom dying to cancer, all that she had dying to cancer? How does one believe she is loved if the God of the Universe would allow this kind of suffering in me and look upon others who have one or two loving, present parents?
These are questions I am asking God. This is a part of my recovery, healing, wholeness, and freedom. No, I am not strong, but when I am weak God is strong. And believe me this is A LOT.
I think it is real easy to judge someone from the outside. Recently I pondered how do I love someone and not judge them when they have judged me? Or even just keep myself from judging to make myself feel better? How do I love people who don’t treat me right? And in part of the advice given to me was to see yourself walking in their shoes.
Do you know someone you would like to change or see changed? Find out their story and feel their sorrow. Because I am pretty sure those characteristics you want to change have a story behind them. And then see yourself walking in their shoes. While you are doing that pray because this is usually the time God reveals something in your own heart that needs to be changed. Ps. that happens to me frequently these days!
On the outside I am a Christian, a nutritionist on a 8-5 job, I own an apartment, and attend church with the abilility to put on the church face. On the outside I have people I consider friends and their names are in my cell phone and I hang out with them on the weekends. On the outside I am the young lady who is 29 and umarried with 2 cats.
What is beind all that?… just a girl who is afraid to love and believe she is loved. What is in my future? Hope, healing, victory, freedom…. and God sized dreams. But mostly I am excited to say love is in my future! Yay… I am on my journey to becoming myself, loving myself, and being able to TRUST love! I am ready to be pursued for who I am and look forward to real relationship!
What have I gained from my experience of deep loss? An ability to acknowlege people and care deeply about them. I have seen the depths of how important people and relationships are because we really don’t know for sure how long we have them. That is a gift I have been entrusted with.
