20 years now after losing my mom I can now look at Mother’s Day ads without crying. That is huge for me. I don’t look at them for very long though. And that is the truth. When the most special person in my life left this world she worried about me. Maybe I have written this before but we had that goodbye talk. And I don’t wish that talk on anyone. Especially not a 17 year old going into her senior year. She would not see me graduate. She would not see me get married or have children. But more importantly she would not be able to cuddle me on those hard days. She would not be able to tell off that person who hurt me. She would no longer physically be there to have my back. The very special person she was, that was on her mind first. My mom was going to a better place and told me it hurt her the most to leave me. On the day she left me it hurt me in a most devastating way. It truly was the worst day of my life. My world changed in a way I never could have imagined. However she was suffering and God called her home. But the day before her passing I prayed to a God I didn’t know and was very angry at. I prayed He would take her so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. And He did the very next day. I think my mom also heard that prayer too. And it released her.
Life is a beautiful mess full of tragedy and beauty. I will never fully understand the reasoning here on earth. So I stopped searching for a reason and started muffling through the grieving process. If you have been through this process for a deep loss you understand how complicated it is. I don’t think this process ever ends. I also don’t have it perfected. I trust people who have been in it to speak words of love and wisdom to me. For those who have not been through it, well I hope you don’t have to until you are 100 years old. However going through the agony of grief you develop a deep compassion for others. You look at life in a deeper way. I remember the day I finally admitted how angry I was at God to a friend. That really did change me. I had a new freedom and healing. I carried on in my grief and relationship with God. These are small steps and big triumphs in the process of grief. So as I said I can now look at Mother’s Day ads without crying. I can tell people Happy Mother’s Day and mean it without bitterness and resentment. And even though I skim those ads for that second Sunday in May, the fact I can look at them is redemption. This blog post feels like rambling. But I truly had another point other than loss, sadness, and grief.
My point is redemption. Many years of counseling. I now have a more open heart letting the light shine in my darkness. I will say these words for the rest of my life “I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be.” Thanks Joyce Meyer. My point with this blog post is that through the grief process of losing the most important person in my life I have been determined to turn the pain into purpose. Yes, purpose. I was born helping people. But I have been determined to turn the pain of my loss into a life of purpose. I live a life full of purpose. So that allows God to work in me for His purpose.
Then there was this day several months ago God changed my heart. He gave me a message to deliver. The message was not just for this person a thousand miles away. The message was for me too actually. God told me that I am not the judge, He is. God told me I was judging. And I felt convicted. I didn’t want to be a judgmental Christian. I wanted to be a reflection of His love.
So when God gave me that message to deliver I hesitated. I didn’t know this person and would I be the crazy person? I kind of resisted at first. Then I remembered I blogged about the choice to look like a fool for the sake of the gospel. Well maybe I didn’t remember writing that. But I think it says that in the bible. Or maybe I learned it at church. Either way I was on a roll seeking a life of purpose. AND God used that. He used my willingness. I sent that electronic message.
Again, it wasn’t just for that person though. Funny how God speaks in that way. I delivered a message for another person miles and miles away but the message changed me too. It changed my heart.
With this message I stand for God loves EVERYONE! God is not a hater. God is the judge not us. We as Christians can not, or should not, throw stones. I told, wrote, that person if anyone is mean to them here is a bible verse. Jesus said….He who has not sinned be the first to throw the stone. And guess what? No one could throw that stone. I told that person All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That includes me.
So now if you asked me what I think of….and you wonder as a Christian if I judge them…the answer is no. I would not give you the “religious answer.” I was changed the day God gave me that message to deliver. My heart was changed. And well my life changed too. But that is a whole different story.
A life full of purpose is not easy. It takes sacrifice. It takes standing up for what you believe in even if it feels like you are standing alone. It takes a lot of tissues and tear filled days. It takes more than you know. However I am forever determined in my heart to continue living a life full of purpose. I believe God has used me in a big way and that is what I wanted. I wanted Him to turn my pain of loss into purpose. This Mother’s Day I am thankful He did and continues to.
As always, thank you to those who read my thoughts and ramblings.