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Mother’s Day May 2, 2015

Filed under: Faith,Loss — traciejane @ 11:55 am
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20 years now after losing my mom I can now look at Mother’s Day ads without crying. That is huge for me. I don’t look at them for very long though. And that is the truth. When the most special person in my life left this world she worried about me. Maybe I have written this before but we had that goodbye talk. And I don’t wish that talk on anyone. Especially not a 17 year old going into her senior year. She would not see me graduate. She would not see me get married or have children. But more importantly she would not be able to cuddle me on those hard days. She would not be able to tell off that person who hurt me. She would no longer physically be there to have my back. The very special person she was, that was on her mind first. My mom was going to a better place and told me it hurt her the most to leave me. On the day she left me it hurt me in a most devastating way. It truly was the worst day of my life. My world changed in a way I never could have imagined. However she was suffering and God called her home. But the day before her passing I prayed to a God I didn’t know and was very angry at. I prayed He would take her so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. And He did the very next day. I think my mom also heard that prayer too. And it released her.

Life is a beautiful mess full of tragedy and beauty. I will never fully understand the reasoning here on earth. So I stopped searching for a reason and started muffling through the grieving process. If you have been through this process for a deep loss you understand how complicated it is. I don’t think this process ever ends. I also don’t have it perfected. I trust people who have been in it to speak words of love and wisdom to me. For those who have not been through it, well I hope you don’t have to until you are 100 years old. However going through the agony of grief you develop a deep compassion for others. You look at life in a deeper way. I remember the day I finally admitted how angry I was at God to a friend. That really did change me. I had a new freedom and healing. I carried on in my grief and relationship with God. These are small steps and big triumphs in the process of grief. So as I said I can now look at Mother’s Day ads without crying. I can tell people Happy Mother’s Day and mean it without bitterness and resentment. And even though I skim those ads for that second Sunday in May, the fact I can look at them is redemption. This blog post feels like rambling. But I truly had another point other than loss, sadness, and grief.

My point is redemption. Many years of counseling. I now have a more open heart letting the light shine in my darkness. I will say these words for the rest of my lifeĀ  “I am not where I need to be but thank God I am not where I used to be.” Thanks Joyce Meyer. My point with this blog post is that through the grief process of losing the most important person in my life I have been determined to turn the pain into purpose. Yes, purpose. I was born helping people. But I have been determined to turn the pain of my loss into a life of purpose. I live a life full of purpose. So that allows God to work in me for His purpose.

Then there was this day several months ago God changed my heart. He gave me a message to deliver. The message was not just for this person a thousand miles away. The message was for me too actually. God told me that I am not the judge, He is. God told me I was judging. And I felt convicted. I didn’t want to be a judgmental Christian. I wanted to be a reflection of His love.

So when God gave me that message to deliver I hesitated. I didn’t know this person and would I be the crazy person? I kind of resisted at first. Then I remembered I blogged about the choice to look like a fool for the sake of the gospel. Well maybe I didn’t remember writing that. But I think it says that in the bible. Or maybe I learned it at church. Either way I was on a roll seeking a life of purpose. AND God used that. He used my willingness. I sent that electronic message.

Again, it wasn’t just for that person though. Funny how God speaks in that way. I delivered a message for another person miles and miles away but the message changed me too. It changed my heart.

With this message I stand for God loves EVERYONE! God is not a hater. God is the judge not us. We as Christians can not, or should not, throw stones. I told, wrote, that person if anyone is mean to them here is a bible verse. Jesus said….He who has not sinned be the first to throw the stone. And guess what? No one could throw that stone. I told that person All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. That includes me.

So now if you asked me what I think of….and you wonder as a Christian if I judge them…the answer is no. I would not give you the “religious answer.” I was changed the day God gave me that message to deliver. My heart was changed. And well my life changed too. But that is a whole different story.

A life full of purpose is not easy. It takes sacrifice. It takes standing up for what you believe in even if it feels like you are standing alone. It takes a lot of tissues and tear filled days. It takes more than you know. However I am forever determined in my heart to continue living a life full of purpose. I believe God has used me in a big way and that is what I wanted. I wanted Him to turn my pain of loss into purpose. This Mother’s Day I am thankful He did and continues to.

As always, thank you to those who read my thoughts and ramblings.

Sincerely,

Tracie

 

Care February 21, 2015

Filed under: Uncategorized — traciejane @ 9:41 pm

I believe the word care is a verb not noun. Like the word love it can get thrown around without seriously considering the meaning.
C-conscious
A-action
R-requiring
E-effort
That is my acronym for it. And the next time you tell someone you care about them I hope you will think of the action you have planned to match the word. Then that person will know you truly care.

Sincerely,
Someone who cares with actions

 

Ruthless Trust February 18, 2015

Filed under: Faith — traciejane @ 12:52 pm

I read that book. And now I feel I am living it. He talks about as a child we learn to trust. A child who trusts has “never ending pancakes.” A child who doesn’t trust keeps a pile of pancakes on the side “just in case.” I have been trying to pile up pancakes my whole life. It is the thorn in my flesh. People tell me to trust them or God. That is like telling a newborn to walk. It does not work that way. They have many steps before they get to walking. They roll over. They crawl. They fall and get back up because of the cheers and smiles which encourage them to do so. I so appreciate the good intentions and words. Yet trust is more than a word for me. Just trust is easier said than done. God knows I need baby steps, and a hand to hold along the way. God knows I will fall. He knows I will get there even when I feel like I can’t. Trust comes easy for some. And for some like me it is ruthless. I slowly take that pile of pancakes and eat 1 at a time. One day I will have no more pancakes in that just in case pile. By the grace of God I will live my life like I have a never ending pile of pancakes. I will jump in them like a child jumping into a pile of brightly colored crisp fall leaves. That is trust. That is hope. That is abundant life.

Sincerely,
Tracie

 

Mom Monday January 6, 2015

Filed under: Blogging,Faith,Family,Fun,Growth,Health,Heart Stuff,Home,Hope,Life,Loss,Music — traciejane @ 2:45 am
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I had an idea and I thought I would definitely try to keep up with it as my life allows. It is called Mom Monday where I get to share a memory about my mom.

Her name was Renee. I was her world, and she was mine. She was a wonderful daughter, sister, and friend. Oh and mother. I will say it over and over again that she was the best mom in the world. She was called the life of the party. But at home she was also very sad or depressed about life’s circumstances from what I remember.

HOWEVER she was fun! She loved music. We would have dance parties. White girl dance parties. Well I know that is true for me. I remember lots and lots of Oldies music. And rock n roll. And sad love songs. I miss those dance parties. Because sometimes (always) you just got to dance it out.

We also had a song. She called this our song. When our loved ones pass away they are forever in our hearts. To me, I have her as an angel. And it is still her and me against the world. Love you forever mom.

Until we meet again,

Tracie

 

Hurting People Hurt People January 3, 2015

Filed under: Healing — traciejane @ 5:31 pm
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This will be a short blog but I feel like it is something I need to share.

Ever been by hurt by a hurting person? It stings right? Or scars, or wounds. Yep me too.

But I also have been the one doing the hurting. Because I was so hurt and angry. Which is one of the reasons I did 3 years of group and about 2 1/2 years total of individual counseling. I hated that I was hurting others. I am an encourager. I care about people. Yet I was faced with the fact that I could not have healthy relationships until I got healthier. It was tough to face. Those who say they don’t have issues are just not ready to accept them or want to make themselves feel superior. None of us are perfect. We all need the grace of God and the help of His people. That includes professional counseling. Too many people are walking around wounded because the world says it is weak to seek help. Facing our issues and seeking help takes great courage.

I have done some wounding. I hate it. I also have done my fair share of asking for forgiveness. And not the easy kind of forgiveness where you step on their toe. I mean it is easy to forgive that quickly. The pain goes quickly away. I have done my share of asking for forgiveness when I messed up big. I am SO eternally thankful for those who have extended forgiveness and continued to love me. Wow words can’t describe that kind of gift. If you are reading this, and you are one of those people, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. If you happen to be somebody reading this who has not forgiven me, then I hope someday you will. I was just hurting and did not mean to hurt you. Everyone needs forgiveness.

Still loving,

Tracie

 

A Time to Laugh and a Time To Cry December 18, 2014

I started this blog several years ago. I have no idea who reads it. And truth be told I envy other people out there with fancy blogs and blog groupies. So I just stopped. But today I was inspired by a young lady who was on the Ellen Show. She is open and honest about her grief and it helps others. My grief journey has at times been lonely. Partly because I have chosen that and partly because people have distanced themselves from me not knowing how to handle honest, authentic grief. I don’t know the pain, and I can’t imagine the loss of a child. The loss of a mom, when she is your best friend, when you are 17 is like losing a part of you or a part of your heart. It has brought me to some deep valleys with intimate moments of tears, anger, and prayer. It has made me realize that we can judge people from the outside yet not consider what they are going through on the inside. I have been judged so many times I can’t even tell you. Yet it has made me appreciate the people who truly love me for me at a whole new level. Everything happens for a reason. I was born helping people. And when my mom died a part of me continued to burn with passion to continue helping people despite my tremendous loss. I want to be a part of God’s plan in making all things good even in my pain and disbelief. I am determined to make a difference in the lives of those around me until the day my Lord calls me home. Because when I leave this Earth, I don’t want to be known as the girl who had cats and worked as a Dietitian. This precious thing we call life is temporary. I want to make the most of it in an authentic way blessing my friends and loved ones around me, or even those I don’t know. One of my life’s missions is to let people know that they matter. Yet on the flip side a huge part of my healing and transformation has been learning that I matter. I have to make a conscious effort to take care of me, or allow myself to be taken care of.

So with that this last year, or season of my life has been full of laughter and tears. I have been praying with all my heart and soul for my sick fur baby. Oh Lord knows how I need her as she provides unconditional love and cuddles that well I just need now. I have traveled to relocate being somewhat closer to family. And experienced the horrific experience of waiting 3 weeks for my belongings only to have to pay full price for horrible customer service. And well I continue to wait on the Lord for some very deep desires in my heart. God does have perfect timing. However if you have waited on God you may know that it is not easy. There are highs and lows, joys and sorrows, pain and temporary glimpses that my prayers are being heard. I ran my first half marathon. I have a picture of it and despite the pain there was joy when I saw the finish line. I had a huge smile on my face. The finish line was not the only reason. My dad was there to cheer me on at the end. Although that is another part of my story, him being there is a very symbolic part of my healing journey.

The last 6 months have been me taking care of me by just being still and being me. I have changed my expectations finding some joy in simple things. I am working on taking things less seriously and well laugh more. I am totally a fan of appropriate humor. It just does not come as naturally as seriousness for me. Life has been hard so I am ready to experience it in a whole new way. I am on a journey towards more fun, more laughter, and more following after the plan God has for His beloved child, Tracie Jane Bock. If you are reading this and have a funny or encouraging comments I would love to hear it. As always thank you for reading my words, even when they are a blurb from the heart.

With love and sincerity,

Tracie

 

Bon Appetit July 9, 2012

Filed under: Blogging,Cooking,Fun,Growth,Home — traciejane @ 12:36 am
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They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I love to bake. Hope I marry a man who loves sweets. Truthfully and honestly I despise cooking. Hope I marry a chef. However cooking in my crock pot right now is a pot roast. You smell it? After much encouragement from friends I gave in and have began practicing. Moving into a better apartment has helped too. Plus it really is more healthy than instant meals. This blog has sat idle for a while now. Writing is healthy too. I need to be more engaged in life and be in the moment. I find it real hard to take care of myself sometimes. How can I take care of others if I don’t take care of myself? The funny thing is the power went out today. And it’s a bright, sunny day. Maybe that was a sign from God. Haha. Tonight’s meal has been designed thanks to the foodonthetable.com application (And if you are on my face book you know how much I really like my new iPhone). It even allowed me to make a grocery list. So I’m going to admit that makes cooking a little more fun. I cleaned all day and candles are burning. Dinner was delicious. Here is a picture of the BBQ pork roast and cream corn casserole. This meal will be made by me again.

All my love,

Tracie